pink bear comes flying (with a kick and with love)

A night of numbness, and I wake up with a little smile (one that's obviously fake, of course). I've small reason to cheer up unless of course I take into consideration that there's free dinner waiting for me at the end of the work day.

But I am cheered up. An intern who is leaving tomorrow gave souvenirs to everyone and from her big bag of goodies, she drew for me a pink teddy bear with felt angel wings, dangling from a metal ring. I feel almost loved. I love bears. I love pink. I love angel wings.

Today is someone special's birthday. An exchange of words in the middle of the night left me feeling numb. I was stunned by the things that I heard - which I have no way of comprehending if they mean to tell me what I take them to be - words of indifference. A trickle of tears rolled off of my cheek and onto my pillow before I decided that I just didn't want to think about it anymore.

I'm taking a rain check on my sadness. Besides, it's much easier to feel numb than to feel sad, than to feel mad.

In my mind, I ask if I am not a friend? A friend who asks for respect, asks for a little special time with her special friend - and she gets relegated to the back of the queue. It's all hunky-dory because I am someone who will always be taken for granted. A few more steps... and then it will come to a time when I will leave for good.

Nevertheless, I still went up to him to wish him a happy birthday. I gave him his gift, a gift which I have spent money and effort on to make sure it is the right gift (and with a personal letter hidden within), and he is happy with the gift. Of course. It was something that he had asked for, something that I noticed that he was in need of and money can really do wonders after all. (This coming from a person who is not too appreciative of hand-made paper flowers made in amateur fashion.)

I don't know if he had all ready read the letter. I can't remember what I'd written all ready. It's so much easier to forget. Be numb.

It saves me from all the pain and heartache in the world.