You've heard this plenty - but I will say it again. The last six months was hell. A wacky roller coaster ride with a plethora of all the great things which make a drama so great - heartache, heartbreak, disappointment, lies, betrayal, scandals and backstabbing. Oh, and let's not forget the one thing which I'd never experienced in the years before - character assassination.
But that was then... and they will most likely continue along the same journey as me. Well, what to do. I'm a magnet for all these things, I guess.
Yesterday, I nearly cried in the office. There was stress yes, and you know me - I have a tendency of making my life revolve around problems - but the tears that jumped to my eyes, the emotions that blossomed in my heart - they happened because I realised just how much I missed, and love, writing.
Perhaps it wasn't the most exciting things that I wrote about but to sit down at my desk, and let the words flow from my mind to my fingers to the screen after some hours of toiling under the hot sun on muddy terrain was... nothing short of amazing. It was like rediscovering an old love that I had forgotten for so long.
I had second thoughts. And I thought to myself - will I not give myself another chance to prove what I'm worth?
It is. A gamble.
I am not a strong person. I may not... cry in public. Nay, my pride does not allow for that but inside, I have a fragile heart. I care about what people have to say about me, a little too much sometimes, and being alienated scares me. But as long as I find pride and satisfaction in the things that I do best, everything else should not matter, should they?
And I think... and I laugh... and I cry...
Two years ago, I lost what was dear to me. Nothing else mattered but my work, my writings - they were the anchors that kept me going. Now... different situations, same shit. And while I do have more things to be thankful for, my writings still give me the secret joy to continue plodding on with my life.
Three different people told me the same things: Be with the devil you know than with the devil you don't know. Will I be able to withstand this devil? Will I have the strength and perseverance to come out on top? Will I... (where is that girl with the crazy antics, the one who'd get her friends to laugh along with her?)
Please help me God. This is the time when I need you the most.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
small things make me happy
Thursday, October 16, 2008
it starts with 'i'
Kind of like how the first line in Linkin Park's 'In the End' song goes - but the only difference, and the crucial difference, which I have learned is that it all begins with 'I', the self, and not, nay, never - love.
It cannot be, you see. Why? Love is not eternal. Were it eternal, then how could I stop feeling the way I used to feel, that feeling I believed to be love, for certain people who used to belong? You may argue, too, that the self disappears after a period of time on Earth and thus, it cannot be eternal as well.
Well, smarty pants. Eternity, I believe, lasts for as long as you exist. So as long as I, this self, exists - I am eternal.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
another year comes to a close
It is October 2008.
Was it really half a year ago when... and the repercussions... and the mixed feelings of bewilderment and defiance and despair and ecstacy and... the sex and falling in love... and moving on yet looking back and wondering... and...
It is October 2008.
Two years ago, this time, right now... I... A year ago, this time, right now... I...
The disappointments. The humiliations. The anger. The agony. The loneliness. The tears. The fears.
I've grown. Where are the tears? Hiding behind a happy smile. Where are the fears? Hiding behind a newfound confidence. The others, they remain still but slowly they disperse under the waves of new emotions.
It comforts me to know that I've been hurt, countless of times. Only when I've felt the bitterness of life, can I truly appreciate the beauty of a sweeter predicament.
The year end draws near. I feel, that my life is too.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
a milestone achieved
So many things have happened I can't begin to describe them all. I try my best not to be so full of myself though, because something really happened today and I'm still reeling with a most pleasant buzz in my brain that finally, there are people out there who see me for the potential I have and recognise my talents. Most importantly though, is that there are people who want to give me a chance - a chance at something big, that will no doubt have more than a few people going green with envy.
But pride must surely come before a fall, and I have a master plan to stick to so alas, that priceless moment when I can finally gloat like nobody's business has to be put back on the shelf. It's a pity. For once, I wish I could shove this under the noses of the people who have made my life an everyday depression disaster and tell them, look, you can kick me all you want but I won't ever go down the way you want me to.
After the many years of mediocrity, this is truly a milestone achieved.
Keep it up, me. All it takes is a bit more confidence, a bit more positive thinking.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
obladi oblada
Uncertainty is still pretty much certain, where my future is concerned. Just when I decided once and for all that I would grab that uncertainty and make things certain once and for all before heading off to a new working environment, life throws me a curve ball and new developments are instantly in the picture. I was confused, angered and then I realised that the certainty I wanted was staring me in the face - although it wasn't exactly the way I hoped it to be.
But really, everything's good. Better than I could hope for even and this is where I surprise myself, and everybody else. I realise that I am a strong person after all. There are no mistakes in my life - just experiences.
It just goes to show that life can sometimes be very unpredictable - but I can take control of my life by being certain about what I want to do.
After I leave my current workplace, I am going to take singing lessons. It's going to cost money, but to do the things I've always wanted to do will be the best gift I can every give myself.
I used to despise the person that I was. Right now, I quite like me though, this silly girl that I am. I'm going to love myself more because I am someone worth loving.
I love me.
Fucking narcissist.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
come, stay, walk away
The truth is no longer relevant and where I stand is no longer immaterial. You made it this way. And that is why I am taking the key and locking the door, shutting it in your face. That will be the barrier between you and me.
Where I stand is on one side of the door. Where you stand is the other. The truth is that the key remains in my pocket, the door locked until you decide to cross the border. How you cross the border is by convincing me to unlock the door for you. How you plan to convince me is extraneous. That is your problem.
Should you you decide to remain there, that is your problem. Should you decide to walk away, that is your problem.
My problem is no longer you. You are your own problem.
Touche.
it's called strategising
All my life, I have been plagued with mediocrity. I was always never pretty enough, never smart enough, never talented enough, never popular enough - you see, the list doesn't quite end because I was born a mediocre person.
I'm going to stop being mediocre and this is going to change by taking charge of the things in my life which I can actually make improvements on, or even, change drastically.
It makes me sound like I am unhappy with my life. You are who you are, be happy with the person you are!, you might say but well, there's always something bigger out there and if you think I'm all ready a great person, thank you, but I don't want to be great - I want to be fab.
I have my shortcomings and I can lament about them the whole day but I am going to overcome them and rise above my state of mediocrity. I will become fab. Being fab means I am in control of my life. I believe that if I can become beautiful, confident and happy, good things will come to me. And good things WILL come.
Control is something quite important to me and I will have my occasional stumbles, but as long as I don't lose sight of my goals then control and achievement will be attainable. So what if it's all about me, me, me? As long as I do not hurt others in the process of developing myself to become a better person, it ought to be fine.
It's also way easier being all about myself because I only have me to deal with, unlike being in a relationship where you have another person with different ideas, goals and limitations to deal with. And in relationships, the emotional factor comes into play and me, emotional me, has a habit of fucking things up all the time.
About where I want to go with my career, for example, is simpler. I create a goal and I move towards it. If I fail, I can try again. It's only game over when I've given up on myself.
In a relationship, it's game over if the other person decides to kill you in the middle of the game and steals all the tokens away from you. Huh.
So it's like that and I can tell you that there is no mention of a relationship anywhere in my master plan. It makes everything professional that way.