Five minutes with... Sue the gorilla

SO there was this gorilla. And his name was Sue. One day, he enrolled himself into an astronaut program with NASA and guess whom he met? Oh, who else but the oh-so-gorgeous (I didn't say that), oh-so-charming (I didn't say that too), oh-so desirable (OK, I really didn't say that) hunky stud-muffin called Dr Sick Musjapa (wait, is he a Datuk now?) - Muzzy for short.
Well, it was the highlight of Sue's simian life. He ran straight for Muzzy and aimed for his crotch - but missed. Dang! Totally freaked out, Muzzy called for his bodyguards - two He-Man look-alikes in tuxedos, muscles rippling like violent waves beneath the satin - and they totally beat the crap out of Sue, whom afterwards became so super dejected like anything.
Charged with sexual harassment, Sue was immediately expelled from the astronaut program. Surat Melayu talks to Sue of the ordeal he went through and the embarrassment he had to endure as a result of failing to grab Muzzy's crotch.

Surat Melayu: Tell us how it felt like being kicked out of the astronaut program?
Sue: Oh, a regrettable decision for NASA I'm sure! They know that the only person who can pilot the rocket is me, Sue, not he-who-is-called-Muzzy - that good-for-nothing, ass-shaking, peach-faced pansy-boy. He, what can he do? Take a shit in the rocket and watch his crap float in zero gravity, that's what he'll do. And then they're gonna air it on telly and say, oh looky here kids, this is why you can't take a dump without thinking where your shit'll float off in space, hey? Then he's gonna jam the joystick up his ass and scream, "Oh, yoohoo! I'm like, the biggest ho in space! Woohhhh look at the cherry in my ass!" I'm not disappointed, not me. I know where I stand in this world and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I might as well think real big and aim to become a Hollywood star next.

SM: That sounds quite, erm, brilliant. How would you describe your relationship with your colleague Dr Sick Musjapa?
S: OK, so I wanted to fuck him real bad. Or maybe have him fuck ME real bad. I got a bit too excited when I saw him, you know. He, the biggest ho flying to Mars with me - in the same tin-can of a rocket? Whoooooo sweeeetttt... but you know, I bet you he only has a small banana in his pants so well, it's no loss. I mean, I'm still curious, but you know, no big loss. Uh-huh.

SM: Uh.. right. How did you come to be an astronaut? Any advice for the little ones who may also have the same dreams of travelling to new frontiers?
S: Naw. When I was growing up, my maw told me. Sue, you gonna be a strong gorilla just like your paw. And that was that. Then I was taken away into some research facility at the tender age of five where the people there mistook me for a girl gorilla (that's why I'm called Sue) and proceeded to do unthinkable things to me every friggin' day of my life! Anal probe! Have you heard anything scarier than that? ANAL PROBE!! So I thought, oh fuck myself to the worlds beyond, if I get myself to Mars, there ain't gonna be any fucking anal probes. Just me and a lifetime's supply of Caprisonnes. Strawberry flavour. So the advice I'll have for the little ones is this - STAY AWAY FROM THE ANAL PROBES.

Related story in Surat Melayu: Muzzy cries foul.

KUALA LUMPUR, Sunday - Renowned hunky astronaut Dr Sick Musjapa was admitted into the hospital this morning after being assaulted by an identified man at the back of Lorong Hj Taib, Kuala Lumpur.
Recounting his terrific experience to reporters, Musjapa said that the man, dressed in black fur and clad only in a pink apron (with heart motifs) just popped out of nowhere and proceeded to whack him with an exceptionally large banana.
"You can't believe how embarrassed I was! I was just about to give my boyfriend a blow-, uh, ahhhhhh... and this pervert comes up to whack my face with a banana!" wailed a distressed Musjapa in his king-sized cot, his voice muffled by the fluffy pillows engulfing him.
"And my boyfriend, he just ran! Waaahhh!!!! Then the ANAL PROBE! Lord, no!! The ANAL PROBE!!"
Collapsing into a fit with froth bubbling at his mouth, doctors immediately whisked Musjapa away and he was declared unfit to be interviewed.
It is understood that police have a clue as to whom the suspect may be. However, they were unable to comment during press time.

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and they all puked

I don't get it. When did parties start revolving around booze, the flashing of extreme cleavages and puking on the bathroom floor? And in addition to that, having your hand held by an absolute stranger and if you're unlucky-er, having your butt groped by some faceless person lost in the crowd.

Parties - if I remember them correctly - should be about pizza, chips and coke. Plenty of coke. The Coca-Cola variety, not the plant. And maybe cupcake parties with musical chairs for entertainment.

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Oh me, to be KOMUNIS

I think I'd like that. You know, to be a KOMUNIS. There's something fascinating about being a KOMUNIS.

I'd get to lug around a big-ass gun (preferably a rocket launcher or say, maybe a machete will be cooler), wear a jumpsuit with those really cool camouflage motifs and then yell like a madman right smack in the middle of a jungle. I'd get to sit in bushes and eat whatever that grows from the ground and invade villages on bicycles.

Oh, but that was the Japanese. Oh, what the heck. I'm half-Japanese. So that makes me half ASKAR JEPUN.

But still, being KOMUNIS rocks. Cos being KOMUNIS means I can do yoga. I can do pole dancing. I can strip in my backyard and shimmy my ass to Britney's Womanizer. Being KOMUNIS means I can eat three tubs of ice-cream and not get diarrhoea. Cos there's some kind of hidden power behind being a KOMUNIS. It's a little like being like Mumraa, the Ever Living. Yeah, that's being a KOMUNIS.

And then I'll rape all the cute guys I see. And they will beg to be raped. And I will tie them up to my bedpost and have my way with them AND I WILL HAVE MY WAY WITH THEM. Because that's the KOMUNIS way of doing things and I am KOMUNIS.

Ah, where art thou cute guy???? Join me and be KOMUNIS with meeeeeeeee..... we will have hot and heavy monkey sex all day longgggggg and we will wreck the bed and drive the neighbours mad with all the moaning and groaning and banging the bedpost against the wall and we will have hot and heavy monkey sexxxxxxx but I said that all ready and it's because I want to be a KOMUNIS dammit because I'm totally sex-starved and I want sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex and sigh.

Don't I just miss the pleasures of the flesh.

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Pole Dancing - The New Frontier

Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan kata senaman yoga haram buat mereka yang Muslim. Tentunya ramai diantara penduduk-penduduk Malaysia yang membazir wang setiap bulan di pusat-pusat kesihatan (dengan tujuan hendak melangsingkan badan kononnya, tapi lepas sekian lama pun badan mereka tetap berupa seperti badan dugong) seperti di 'Kesihatan Selebriti', 'Kesihatan Sebenar' dan 'Kesihatan Pertama' yang berasa marah dan kecewa dengan keputusan majlis. Kata mereka, yoga is da best. Yoga memberikan fleksibiliti yang sebelumnya tidak dapat tercapai di kamar. Hebat! Sekarang nampak gayanya, dengan mempraktiskan yoga dalam kehidupan seharian, anda juga tentu dapat meniru gaya-gaya ajaib di dalam teks Hindu yang terkenal iaitu Kama Sutra.

Tetapi, fatwa tetaplah fatwa. Keputusan Pak Mufti memang tidak dapat diubah. (Tapi kalau engkau nak tunjukkan rasa tidak puas hati - telefonlah Talian Panas Surat Melayu. Kalau nak lagi drastik, kita memboikot Pak-pak Mufti di Malaysia, jangan kita 'selebret' Hari Raya Haji.)

Apa-apa hal pun, kalau engkau nak membunuh diri dengan menerjun ke dalam longkang besar pun aku tak kisah. (Hanya Surat Melayu saja yang akan kisah. Itu cerita sensasi woo.)

Tetapi sebelum engkau menerjun ke dalam longkang dengan membabi-buta, apa kata engkau cuba pole dancing dulu. Apa? Apa itu pole dancing? Bak kata dalam Bahasa Melayu (dan bukan Bahasa Malaysia, ya - let's be politically correct), tarian tiang.

Hah! Tarian tiang? Apa itu tarian tiang? Alah, kau tengoklah video clip Britney tu, yang ada adagen minah rambut 'blonde' itu berpaut pada satu tiang besi, macamlah beruk yang terpaut pada pokok pisang.

Hish, tak senonoh nampak, kata Makcik Esah. Apakah faedahnya nak menggesel-gesel badan pada tiang besi? Kalau Pak Kadir rumah sebelah nampak, mesti 'stim' jadinya. Orang tua tu sudahlah dah tua ganyut, miang pulak tu.

Tapi janganlah kita pedulikan kata-kata Makcik Esah, seorang wanita yang sudah ketinggalan zaman.

Kata pakar kemasyarakatan, Pole Dancing is The New Frontier. Pole dancing bukan sekadar mengeratkan hubungan silaturrahim dengan saudara terdekat kita, iaitu beruk, tetapi anda juga dapat membakar lemak dengan aksi-aksi yang penuh memberangsangkan. Kaedah senaman ini juga boleh diamalkan tanpa was-was kerana tiada unsur-unsur agama lain yang terlibat. Tiada perkataan seperti 'om' atau 'namaste' atau 'anyon haseyo' dilafazkan.

Apa yang anda perlu bimbangkan hanyalah mata liar Pak Kadir yang tinggal di rumah sebelah.

Oleh itu, marilah kita meninggalkan ajaran sesat yang bernama yoga dan marilah kita ber-pole dancing ke arah kemajuan negara Malaysia.

Malaysia Boleh!

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a chilly night

A feeling of loneliness permeates the air as I examine the beautiful interior of my hotel room. The cool air brushes against my skin and I shiver, momentarily.

I am in Cameron Highlands on a work assignment and all the loveliness surrounding me seems almost wasted for someone so horribly, horribly single.

I say it as if it were a disease.

(Perhaps it is.)

My eyes sweep over the chaise longue, with comfy pillow propped up on either side of its armrests. It will remain unoccupied for the entire duration of my stay. The veranda over-looking the scenery dotted with fields and hills will remain unvisited. I will only occupy a part of the bed, and only the bathroom will be utilised. I will only use what is necessary.

What a waste.

A hotel room meant for two occupied by a single person. It is a luxury that is lost on me. In the cool atmosphere of the highlands, I would much rather be snuggling on a cramped, rickety bed with somebody else to share the warmth of our bodies than to lie awake under bedsheets that barely takes away the cold.

Lying all alone in a big bed is sadness. Occupying a hotel room on my own is sadness.

I hate this feeling.

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absolute destiny apocalypse

Depressed one day and happy the next.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to die soon. Sometimes I wonder if he'll get run over by a truck soon.

That's kinda cool.

Woooo. He got run over by a truck - a flower truck, no less! Can I poke his corpse then? Poke poke. Poke poke. With a big stick. Icky.

Anyway, I've been entertaining myself by reading the later volumes of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. I'm at Volume 72 now. Crazy, huh? There's up to 92 volumes to date and that's all good because I've all ready run out of books to read. Books are too expensive and I've all ready utilised this month's book allowance. And next month's.

So. Jojo.

It was by pure chance that I started picking up on the series. Ages ago, my brother accidentally bought the wrong manga title. And he bought the third volume, which was awful to read because of all the gruesome scenes. But that's Jojo for you. Just like how the other action manga of that era were. Like Fist of the North Star.

But well, what the heck. If you ended up reading the third volume, no matter how gross the story was, you just have to backtrack from the first volume to find out what makes the story so gruesome to begin with and then of course, you can't stop after that because there are so many other volumes after the third just waiting to be read. Then before I knew it, I reached the second part of the Jojo series and then the third, and that was when it became really exciting.

I just love the whole concept of Stands - what each Stand can do is unique to each individual so you have a Stand that can stop time, a Stand that can magnetise objects, a Stand that can kill you in your dreams, etc.

If I had a Stand, I want my Stand to have the power to manipulate minds which I think is the best kind of power to have. It's better than being invisible and it's better than being able to fly. If I can manipulate minds, I can easily get people to hand over their money without a fight and I can easily tell them to lie motionless in the middle of the road while I wait for that great flower truck to speed by and run them over.

Yeah, that's cool.

So where's that flower truck?

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and it all falls down

It's stupid. To think that an e-mail could frazzle my nerves. I saw his name in my inbox and thought that he had sent me an e-mail. Bzzt. Wrong. It was one of those generated e-mail things, inviting me to join an online social network. Figures. He would have sent the invite to everyone in his address book, and my address was probably automatically added to the list as well.

And then I fell. Into a never-ending bottomless pit.

I felt depressed.

I tried drawing a picture of a cow. It looked something like a cross between an obese dog and a buffalo. Hideous. I threw the drawing away.

There was a time you know, when I thought about the unfairness of the situation we were in. I thought... were the circumstances different, we would have had it easier. That we could be together.

Cue back to now, and the answer is: Fat chance of that. Regardless of the body I was born into, he will have remained the asshole that he is. I hate that fucking shithead. Because I love that fucking shithead. And I really curse the part that I can't get him out of my mind. All because of some dumbass e-mail that he didn't REALLY send.

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you're just disillusioned

Shut the fuck up. No, really, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

You want to know the truth? You. Are. Disillusioned.

You wanna talk about injustice? Stuff that crap. You lot, who have nothing better to do than to bitch about people the damn long day, have no right to talk about injustice.

Kau ingat kau tu bagus sangat ke?

Then bila time nak complain, dialah No. 1. Bising macam anjing kena sepak. Come up with more creative excuseslah. What the fuck. Say that you're too retarded to handle responsibility. Or that your STD gets in the way of productivity. Validlah kot. You probably have an STD or two anyway.

Hello. You should realise that the problem lies with how you manage your time and how you prioritise matters.

Mengaku jelah. That's why you'd rather sacrifice time that could be spent doing more important things at home, like sorting the clothes in your closet according to colour, to bumming around at the office just to bitch and bitch and blacken your heart even beyond the blackness that it all ready is.

Fuck you man. FUCK YOU.

Babi. Fikirlah sikit. Who gives praise to pigs anyway?

NOTE: If it doesn't make sense, that's because the missing text has been placed between comment tags.

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i rip my heart out in pain, in vain

Kill me, why don't you, kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me.

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the tempest within

I wish not to care.

There is too much fury in me.

It manifests in my dreams.

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what awaits is boredom

'Great' isn't exactly the word I'm looking for. 'Great' in a sarcastic way, yes.

I just finished reading that book, Brisingr, and I find that there's nothing left for me to read at home. Great. So I'll need to buy new books. I'll need to get my car fixed. I'll need to.. get waxed. And a family dinner's planned for tomorrow.

Do I play Katamari Damacy again?

Whatever happened to my Typing of the Dead CD?

Lately, it's been hard to rouse myself up from bed in the mornings. I know I have sufficient sleep (eight-and-a-half hours, that's good enough for any growing girl) but whenever the alarm rings, I just feel totally whacked and tell myself, five more minutes. Which of course, becomes fifteen. Then half-an-hour later.

I wonder if this is what they call burnout? But I've only been doing whatever I'm doing now for three weeks! Isn't it too soon to be burnout? I haven't been going home that late anyway since work for me, gets completed by the time 'real' office hours end. I love doing what I do anyway - as long as what I have to do isn't too lame so why, why, why?

Do I have to go to the gym? Is it a matter of stamina? Or maybe I'm just destined to lie in my bed with all my books forever after all.

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