Five minutes with... Sue the gorilla

SO there was this gorilla. And his name was Sue. One day, he enrolled himself into an astronaut program with NASA and guess whom he met? Oh, who else but the oh-so-gorgeous (I didn't say that), oh-so-charming (I didn't say that too), oh-so desirable (OK, I really didn't say that) hunky stud-muffin called Dr Sick Musjapa (wait, is he a Datuk now?) - Muzzy for short.
Well, it was the highlight of Sue's simian life. He ran straight for Muzzy and aimed for his crotch - but missed. Dang! Totally freaked out, Muzzy called for his bodyguards - two He-Man look-alikes in tuxedos, muscles rippling like violent waves beneath the satin - and they totally beat the crap out of Sue, whom afterwards became so super dejected like anything.
Charged with sexual harassment, Sue was immediately expelled from the astronaut program. Surat Melayu talks to Sue of the ordeal he went through and the embarrassment he had to endure as a result of failing to grab Muzzy's crotch.

Surat Melayu: Tell us how it felt like being kicked out of the astronaut program?
Sue: Oh, a regrettable decision for NASA I'm sure! They know that the only person who can pilot the rocket is me, Sue, not he-who-is-called-Muzzy - that good-for-nothing, ass-shaking, peach-faced pansy-boy. He, what can he do? Take a shit in the rocket and watch his crap float in zero gravity, that's what he'll do. And then they're gonna air it on telly and say, oh looky here kids, this is why you can't take a dump without thinking where your shit'll float off in space, hey? Then he's gonna jam the joystick up his ass and scream, "Oh, yoohoo! I'm like, the biggest ho in space! Woohhhh look at the cherry in my ass!" I'm not disappointed, not me. I know where I stand in this world and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I might as well think real big and aim to become a Hollywood star next.

SM: That sounds quite, erm, brilliant. How would you describe your relationship with your colleague Dr Sick Musjapa?
S: OK, so I wanted to fuck him real bad. Or maybe have him fuck ME real bad. I got a bit too excited when I saw him, you know. He, the biggest ho flying to Mars with me - in the same tin-can of a rocket? Whoooooo sweeeetttt... but you know, I bet you he only has a small banana in his pants so well, it's no loss. I mean, I'm still curious, but you know, no big loss. Uh-huh.

SM: Uh.. right. How did you come to be an astronaut? Any advice for the little ones who may also have the same dreams of travelling to new frontiers?
S: Naw. When I was growing up, my maw told me. Sue, you gonna be a strong gorilla just like your paw. And that was that. Then I was taken away into some research facility at the tender age of five where the people there mistook me for a girl gorilla (that's why I'm called Sue) and proceeded to do unthinkable things to me every friggin' day of my life! Anal probe! Have you heard anything scarier than that? ANAL PROBE!! So I thought, oh fuck myself to the worlds beyond, if I get myself to Mars, there ain't gonna be any fucking anal probes. Just me and a lifetime's supply of Caprisonnes. Strawberry flavour. So the advice I'll have for the little ones is this - STAY AWAY FROM THE ANAL PROBES.

Related story in Surat Melayu: Muzzy cries foul.

KUALA LUMPUR, Sunday - Renowned hunky astronaut Dr Sick Musjapa was admitted into the hospital this morning after being assaulted by an identified man at the back of Lorong Hj Taib, Kuala Lumpur.
Recounting his terrific experience to reporters, Musjapa said that the man, dressed in black fur and clad only in a pink apron (with heart motifs) just popped out of nowhere and proceeded to whack him with an exceptionally large banana.
"You can't believe how embarrassed I was! I was just about to give my boyfriend a blow-, uh, ahhhhhh... and this pervert comes up to whack my face with a banana!" wailed a distressed Musjapa in his king-sized cot, his voice muffled by the fluffy pillows engulfing him.
"And my boyfriend, he just ran! Waaahhh!!!! Then the ANAL PROBE! Lord, no!! The ANAL PROBE!!"
Collapsing into a fit with froth bubbling at his mouth, doctors immediately whisked Musjapa away and he was declared unfit to be interviewed.
It is understood that police have a clue as to whom the suspect may be. However, they were unable to comment during press time.