Hai adik-adik sekalian, marilah kita belajar bagaimana caranya untuk berkurang-ajar dengan orang-orang tua kita dengan melafazkan kata-kata kesat yang telah diterjemah dari bahasa omputih kepada bahasa kebangaan kita iaitu Bahasa Melayu (dan bukan Bahasa Malaysia ya, marilah kita mengamalkan gaya hidup yang 'politically correct'!).
Apakah perlunya melaungkan kata-kata kesat dengan menggunakan Bahasa Melayu? Tentulah kerana wujudnya segelintir orang-orang yang agak ketinggalan zaman dan bertaraf bawahan yang tidak dapat memahami bahasa omputih (contohnya, pegawai-pegawai Jabatan Imigresen Malaysia) dan untuk memastikan bahawa isi hati kita dapat disampaikan dengan telus ikhlas, kita mesti menggunakan kata-kata kesat bertaraf antarabangsa yang telah diterjemah kepada Bahasa Melayu.
Sesungguhnya mereka yang tidak fasih ber-Bahasa Melayu adalah daripada golongan orang-orang yang keji dan mungkar.
1. Do I look like I give a shit?! - Adakah saya nampak seperti saya memberi tahi?!
2. Fuck you, bitch! - Berzina dengan anda, anjing betina!
3. I'm gonna kill you, you fat cow! - Saya akan membunuh awak, si lembu gemuk!
4. Fucking die, you mother fucker! - Mati berzina, kau penzina ibu!
5. I'm never gonna see your ugly face again! - Saya tidak akan melihat muka buruk anda lagi!
Dan kata-kata kesat yang paling hebat:
6. I am going to kick the fucking shit out of you, till you start blowing snot bubbles, you little piece of dog shit! - Aku akan menendang tahi berzina dari anda, sehingga engkau mula meniup buih hingus, kau seketul tahi anjing kecil!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
apakah itu sotong?
Monday, January 19, 2009
meeting michael
Yesterday, I talked to Michael. Michael isn't really called Michael but I call him that because he looks like Michael Jackson, the pre-creepy days. Remember Thriller?
Anyway, I don't know if Michael likes being called Michael but I told him that he has to be Michael because he looks like a Michael (Jackson) and I have to call him that forever and ever so he has to live with it forever and ever or until he finds a way to avoid me for good. It's kind of like when you pick up a stray cat by the roadside, thought it was cute so then you decide to make it your pet and then ding dong! You say, I think I'm gonna call you Michael. And it becomes Michael.
Only thing is that I never had a pet called Michael and Michael isn't going to be my pet because Michael is Michael and Michael is a friend. But I told Michael that one day, when I get a tapir for a pet, I'm going to call it George.
Oh, and guess what? Michael's into tapirs too. He said he has this whole collection of tapir photos he took at the Malacca Zoo. I'm impressed. Hardly anybody cares about tapirs and they're really cool animals. Waaaayyyy cooler than say, a koala. 'Cos all a koala does is just sleep.
And Michael knows more about tapirs than I do. He knows how to differentiate a male tapir and a female tapir.
So I feel happy.
Maybe Michael will try to avoid me from now on ('cos it's most likely that I totally freaked him out with my tapir talk) but it's good to know that there are other people who care about tapirs.
I hope Michael will talk to me about tapirs again sometime...
Love, M (in her six-and-a-half-year old mode).
tears for nobody
People tell me you're a moron.
But the bigger moron's me.
'Cos I didn't see that the face you wore,
Was a face made up just for me.
The pretty lies you told me,
The sayangs and the darlings,
Oh and remember when you said:
Loving me is not a hassle,
It's a pain? (Where? In your cock?)
The bigger moron is me.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
asking stupid
Aku nak jadi hot. Aku nak jadi lawa. Aku tak tahu samada aku mampu mencapai matlamat ini sesampainya umur aku menjejah 25. Tak lama lagi tu. Dalam beberapa minggu lagi aku akan menghadapi krisis - iaitu krisis sindrom taknak mengaku sudah menjadi lebih tua dari sebelum ini.
Aku ingat lagi masa umur aku 14 tahun. Budak-budak kat kelas tanya kat balak waktu tu apsallah dia tu bebal sangat nak hook-up dengan aku. Kata mereka, tak berbaloi nak bercouple dengan perempuan buruk.
Memang buruk pun aku pada waktu tu. Ikat rambut style Olive Oyl. Muka berjerawat (masih berjerawat). Badan kurus sekerempeng. Jalan terkedek-kedek macam orang cacat yang kaki panjang sebelah, sebelah lagi pendek. Bila bercakap pun suara macam monotone je. Mata bagaikan mata ikan emas yang sudah mati.
Zaman remaja aku memang tak best.
Sekarang, lain sikit ceritanya - ada masa yang best dan ada masa yang tak. Rupa buruk... masih lagi kot. Tengok citarasa tuan-tuan sekalian. Perangai buruk pun macam tulah, makin hari makin menjadi-jadi.
Apa-apa jelah.
Aku tetap nak jadi hot. Aku nak jadi lawa.
Bila agaknya Fairy Godmother akan memunculkan diri?
(Ataupun bilalah masanya ku akan berkemampuan untuk membiayai kos operasi plastic surgery?)
Monday, January 12, 2009
super time wasters
Buat apa aku nak jadi orang baik? Buang masa je aku rasa. Bukannya ada sesiapa nak appreciate pun. At the end of the day, the good get trodden. Might as well be evil. Might as well be the selfish bitch who only cares for her own happiness. Aku nak tolak segala emosi aku ke tepi.
Tak perlu lagi nak rasa sedih. Disappointed. Menunggu ucapan terima kasih yang tak datang-datang.
Yelah. Ketawalah kat belakang aku. You think I don't know the vile things you say about me? The half-witted commentaries, the ridiculous lies? Laughable things. I laugh despite the arrows shot through my heart.
This pain I don't need anymore. I don't want to be good anymore.
You don't deserve a single shred of my kindness.
Impale yourselves on a stick, vile dogs. Fuck yourself and just die.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
dance, drink and diva-ish moments
It prolly is easier to sum it up with a picture, the words are not exactly coming out right each time I attempt to type up something.
Some things worth mentioning: I flirted with a guy (not excessively, of course), got sloshed and nearly passed out (threw up this morning), looked hot (on attempt), had mega fun and loved (nearly) every moment of it. The only bummer side to the party was the unauthorised invitation that was extended to a particular someone who pissed my friend off because he bullied his way into being the one to drive me back home and thus, maybe ruining my chances with the guy I flirted with - if there was any possibility of a chance to begin with.
And then I woke up, and enjoyed three wonderful hours of karaoke-ing at Redbox.
Monday, January 5, 2009
ham, we shall have
I've gotten quite, quite bored of having bread with margarine (fake butter) and cheese every morning so after work, I made a short detour to the supermarket and got two stacks of ham - smoked chicken and chicken bologna. And not forgetting, my favourite 'goreng' instant noodles and a package of McVities Digestives - because I'm back to constipated mode again, despite guzzling plenty of water and hot green tea every day.
How did your new year's celebration go?
Mine was... quite ho-hum.
Over the weekend, I went to the fish spa for the very first time and had the skin of my feet nibbled on by vile-looking fish. Gosh! Their eyeballs were so close to me! That was by far, the most unnerving experience ever. When the fish (some as big as my palm) clustered about me, it looked as though there were fish tumours sprouting from my ankles. Yuck.
And then I went for karaoke, which is always a fun thing to do.
That's the gist of it, I guess.
Oh, a friend got engaged like what, a day after her elder sister's wedding? I thought the idea of my friends getting engaged would send me into a mad frenzy but guess what? I felt... rather calm. I'm happy for my friend and I think it's really great for her but perhaps, because I've mentally pushed the deadline for my engagement to Mr He-Who-Will-Be-Hubby to thirty, things like this don't faze me anymore.
There's plenty of people I know who've already given birth even and I think that's pretty gross. Babies scare me. They drool too much.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying things as they come. I'm still open to possibilities of getting into a relationship but there's none suitable for me now, so I'm just being Miss Scandalous.
It's fun. It's naughty. It's being bitchy and satisfied all at once, emotions cast aside. This time, there's nobody getting hurt - at least, it wouldn't be me.