small things make me happy

You've heard this plenty - but I will say it again. The last six months was hell. A wacky roller coaster ride with a plethora of all the great things which make a drama so great - heartache, heartbreak, disappointment, lies, betrayal, scandals and backstabbing. Oh, and let's not forget the one thing which I'd never experienced in the years before - character assassination.

But that was then... and they will most likely continue along the same journey as me. Well, what to do. I'm a magnet for all these things, I guess.

Yesterday, I nearly cried in the office. There was stress yes, and you know me - I have a tendency of making my life revolve around problems - but the tears that jumped to my eyes, the emotions that blossomed in my heart - they happened because I realised just how much I missed, and love, writing.

Perhaps it wasn't the most exciting things that I wrote about but to sit down at my desk, and let the words flow from my mind to my fingers to the screen after some hours of toiling under the hot sun on muddy terrain was... nothing short of amazing. It was like rediscovering an old love that I had forgotten for so long.

I had second thoughts. And I thought to myself - will I not give myself another chance to prove what I'm worth?

It is. A gamble.

I am not a strong person. I may not... cry in public. Nay, my pride does not allow for that but inside, I have a fragile heart. I care about what people have to say about me, a little too much sometimes, and being alienated scares me. But as long as I find pride and satisfaction in the things that I do best, everything else should not matter, should they?

And I think... and I laugh... and I cry...

Two years ago, I lost what was dear to me. Nothing else mattered but my work, my writings - they were the anchors that kept me going. Now... different situations, same shit. And while I do have more things to be thankful for, my writings still give me the secret joy to continue plodding on with my life.

Three different people told me the same things: Be with the devil you know than with the devil you don't know. Will I be able to withstand this devil? Will I have the strength and perseverance to come out on top? Will I... (where is that girl with the crazy antics, the one who'd get her friends to laugh along with her?)

Please help me God. This is the time when I need you the most.