my heart is like the raging waves

Twenty minutes ago: My heart was like the raging waves, dark and angry.

Now: I am simmering beneath the surface and my face is a mask of no emotion. The anger is subsiding and a feeling of tiredness creeps into my being.

I don't know if I should be mad at myself or mad at him for today's 'miscommunication', reminiscent of so many such similar incidents from before. I went home in a huff and I feel like kicking myself so hard that maybe I'd get a seizure and just die. Then I wouldn't have to feel as crappy as I do now.

You know, when it all boils down to the plainness of the situation. I am not giving him enough breathing space to do the things that he likes, like doing stuff with his mates. Although he claims that all his spare time he wants to spend with me, there is no doubt that there must also be a part of him that wants to spend his time with others - and that is why we oftentimes come to a situation where he tries to merge both, I know.

So maybe it's best that I give this matter a bit of thought and maybe it's also best that I spend less time with him now so that it doesn't feel odd on the days that I don't get to see him. So I'll feel less dejected.

We should start reverting back to the old days when we saw each other thrice a week at most. He'd have time for futsal then. Drinks with the boys. Dinner with the colleagues, whom some I detest.

And then I'll go back to being me. The lonely me. The one who does her own shopping and goes out for sushi on her own.

I can't hold him down.

I'm tired. My heart beats with a dull thud.

I don't want to think anymore.