utter random rubbish

Eh, apakah itu? Bulu kaki.
Mengapakah bulu kaki itu tergugur ke atas lantai? Entah.
Ajaib! Begitu ajaib rasanya. Seperti anggur berwarna biru.
Tetapi, ibu kata anggur berwarna ungu. Atau hijau. Tiada yang biru.
Iyalah, tetapi yang aku kata tu hanyalah umpama. Faham?
Tak faham pun. Apakah bulu kaki boleh disamakan dengan anggur?
Apa kata kita samakan dengan bulu ketiak?
Sama-sama lebat, kerinting dan menggelikan.
Gunakanlah deodorant Rexona! Tanpa was-was! Bau harum semerbak.
Macam sabun buku Fab. Apakah deodorant? Pewangi ketiak?
Tidak sedap namanya. Bagaimana jika disapunya pewangi itu pada kucing aku?
Adakah kucing itu akan menjadi lebih wangi? Atau perangainya akan elok sikit?
Tidak memilih makanan? Mungkinkah kucing itu akan menjadi lebih pandai?
Pewangi ketiak. Memang tidak sedap namanya.
Eh, tidak. Masalahnya sekarang pasal bulu kaki.
Bulu kaki yang tergugur ke atas lantai. Ada.. satu, dua.. dua helai!
Bukan, dua utas. Utas? Tidak mungkin keping. Atau ketul.
Ajaibnya peribahasa. Hebat. Gunakan tanpa was-was!
Mengantuknya. Saya akan meniduri seorang lelaki yang hebat satu hari nanti.
Saksikanlah! Ultraman!

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me-lancholy

I am but a mere distraction within a sea of distractions.
For a moment there, I thought that you might care for me.
I don't know what makes up your mind, the thoughts that go into it.
The logic and the reasonings, the morals and ideals.
I wish I knew.
Just like I wish I knew why I care about you.
Why I care about what you feel about me.
Why I care about what you think about me.
Why I care about if you wanted me.
If you needed me.
If you hate me.
If I disgust you.
If I make you laugh.
If I make you weep.
If I mean little... just as little as how they all mean to you.
Or less. Or maybe a little bit more.
Why do I let myself be taunted by your lies?
Why do I let myself be baited by your sweet words?
Why do I give in and convince myself that it is what I want?
Do I really want this? Can I not want this?
Can I throw you away? Cast you aside?
Kill you? Kill you? Kill you? Kill you?
It weeps, it bleeds, the little bird it does.
My heart, the little bird, an effigy of stone.
The stone cracks, it crumbles.
I cannot escape.
Kill me, please?

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again, again once more

I think you will not understand it when I say (for the umpteenth time) that I am depressed.

I don't like the life I am living today, the life that is full of negativity that whatever shred of a smile I used to have is just so... non-existent.

(The cup of gold topples and falls to its side. It is empty.)

(A noiseless scream rings hollow. It is left unheard.)

(I die. I fall. I die. I die. I die.)

I feel depressed.

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the journey to becoming a smut writer starts with a turkey

He beckons to her with a sweep of his arm.

He sits on the edge of the bed, wearing only an aura of confidence and a light spray of musk-scented perfume. He was a picture of sex with his hard member standing proudly at attention between his thighs.

No. He was sex personified.

She was drunken with the ideas of pleasure that awaits her on that bed. She takes a step. Two. She felt sexy in her heels as her slender hands made their way to her small, round breasts. Squeezing them slowly in her hands, her erect nipples showing through the gaps between her fingers.

She smiled. She winked.

Trailed her tongue down her lower lip in an attempt to turn him on even more - if that was possible.

He pulled her close against his body and breathed in the scent of her breasts. Slowly he fondled and licked at them, his eyes never straying away from hers.

She reached down for him and let a finger trail up and down his length before touching the bead of moisture at the tip of his penis. The finger she dragged to her lips with deliberation, her eyes too, never once straying away from his as each tried to tease the other into crumbling into submission.

Suddenly, Cucumber Man appeared.

"I is Cucumber Man: Cucumber Man! Cucumber Man! Laliho~ Cucumber Man! Cucumber Man! Cucumber Man! He shall save the day!" it bellowed, in what was believed to be a theme song of some sort of twisted parody of a children's animated superhero television series. (Read: Captain Planet. Or some other twisted variant.)

And just as sudden as his appearance, he disappeared.

And there ends the greatest smut fiction of the lifetime.

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Attack of the frilly pink knickers - 25 things about moi

1. A new mole appeared on my face on Feb 29, 2009. It's location - above my lip towards my left cheek. Sexy? I think it makes me look evil when I smile. Now I'm considering getting it removed - but not before finding out from a fortune teller if it will bring me good luck or it starts growing hair - whichever comes first.

2. There's a big pimple on my right bum. I scrub my bum with a pair of pink loofah gloves from Body Shop every three days as an exfoliating measure. I have no idea why it's there. It had better not be there forever.

3. I am always at the heart of gossip. It just comes with the hotness, dah-link. I realise that I'm slowly becoming like my idol, Britney (Spears, if you didn't know), who always gets bitched about the worst kinds of things. Well, that suits me fine. Brit's pretty hot these days. That just means I'm going to become hotter too. So bitch on babies, bitch on. At least I don't have a crooked nose.

4. I love perfume miniatures and heels. Heels have helped me with my posture over the years (and also, thanking my mom for using my salary to buy me a chiropractic mattress) and they make me taller, sexier and naturally, very hot. Oh, so hot. I know so because I've been told that. I keep a miniature Vera Wang Princess in my bag. It must be noted that I do not have BO. BO is you. Not me. Not ever.

5. I think I look hotter now than I used to. Now all I need to do is to polish on my swagger...

6. The best way to kill someone is with rat poo. Find a few grains of rat poo, grind 'em up and mix the stuff with some good old Nescafe 3-in-1. The fellow gets affected by the hantavirus and after two weeks of fever and tummy upsets, he dies. A great way to kill without drawing suspicion to your self. Just blame the deceased fellow for not keeping the hygiene in his kitchen.

7. Scratch #5. I am so hot.

8. I am waiting to receive F-cup Cookies from my friends as my birthday gift. Melisa says I can't go further than a C-cup. All I want is to go up one size - and it's still a B. (Not A. A is your Ah Lian neighbour's cup size.)

9. I am a firm believer that the Malayan tapir should replace the tiger as our sports mascot. Why? There are four species of tapirs in the world and the Malayan tapir is the only variant to come in black and white. The other three variants are brown and look like boars. By the way, Michael taught me that the female wears the underpants while the male wears the waist band.

10. Maybe I will like receiving a breast pump for my birthday.

11. 95% of people in the world are voyeurs. You know I'm special when I say I'm an exhibitionist. That's why I got myself onto reality TV in the first place. And because I'm hot. Like Britney.

12. Knows that a lot of bitches (and bastard) hate her - but that's to be expected. It's because I'm hot. Hot people get a hating like nobody's business all the time. It's like how everyone hates Paris Hilton. Say what you like, but she has all the money and the looks. The car. The TV show. Whatever. And you... you have your flabby tummies. Ha!

13. Is sitting next to a moron at the moment.

14. Used to date a moron. Well, a few morons. Even kissed some.

15. Attracts morons. Hmm.. I was gonna mention it but maybe I should leave out the racist remark.

16. Loves baked sweet potato pie with a vengeance.

17. Wonders why Najmuddin is always so horribly late to everything. He's gonna be late to his own funeral too, I tell you. Maybe he is constipated? Or too caught up plucking the hair off his chest?

18. Never makes the first move in holding a guy's hand.

19. Has very promiscuous friends, some with incredibly big bosoms.

20. Read the instructions on my cat's shampoo bottle today. It read: "Wet cat completely".

21. Still cries when she reads the part where Matthew Cuthbert says to Anne Shirley in L.M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables, "My girl, my girl that I'm proud of". He dies in the next chapter.

22. Secretly reads hentai manga online. Now it's no longer a secret.

23. Wonders if she will get flowers for Valentine's Day this year. Maybe not. At least a bottle of weed killer will do. There's plenty use for weed killer these day's when you're super hot, attract a lot of morons and the envy of bitches.

24. The first word I uttered was 'bird'. My mom was greatly disappointed in me. She still is sometimes.

25. I think my dad should let me wear miniskirts. Don't you agree?

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Five minutes with... Sue the gorilla, part deux

THE cloud of a previous sexual harrassment charge still hanging over his head, former NASA astronaut program participant gorilla Sue has bounced back from a tumultous, controversial life into the heart of yet another sexual controversy - this time with the so-called de facto poster boy of Surat Pisang, assistant news editor Najmudildo.

Sexual harrassment charges do not apply this time though, as Najmudildo was recently quoted as saying that he "accepts all forms of harrassment, sexual or not" as he finds that "harrassment is the closest form of idol worship, stalker-style".

Unfortunately, things took an ugly turn when a third party inteference by fellow colleague 'Si Kuttan' further embroiled the duo's relationship, thus catapulting Sue and Najmudildo as the widely gossiped couple of the year (even more so than when it was with Mawi and Ekin).

Surat Melayu speaks once again to Sue on account of his fiery love affair with Najmudildo and the trials and tribulations that follow.

Surat Melayu: So, does your relationship with Surat Pisang's Najmudildo mean that you are totally over the astronaut, Dr Sick Musjapa, who caused you to get charged with sexual harrassment?
Sue: Oh, dah-link. I am so, so OVER Muzzy. That good-for-nothing, ass-shaking, peach-faced pansy-boy is so YESTERDAY. He's all like, "Oh, yoohoo! I'm like, the biggest ho in space!" and look what happened to him? He got on the rocket, rode the joystick and it got STUCK. In his ass. Fucking stupid loser or what? If you reading this Muzzy, let the whole world know that I said you a fucking stupid ho. Ho ho HO. Now suck on that loser!!

SM: Oh. Kay. Tell us about your relationship with Najmudildo.
S: Oh, Najjy's just sweet. I've never met anyone so wonderfully hunky-dorable ever. I just love twirling my fingers in his curly hair (and they get stuck so often we have resorted to keeping scissors on the bedside table) and oh, his chest! Such drool-worthy, smooth-baby-ass-smooth chest! I could lick the whole expanse of skin there for hours and... (Ed: The following had to be cut out to cater to our younger set of audiences. Surat Melayu apologises.)

SM: Erm.. Oh. Kay. Surat Melayu hears that not all is peachy though, what with the interference of the third party referred to as 'Si Kuttan' by the media.
S: Ah, that disgusting creature! How dare he try to steal my Najjy away from me! Doesn't he know that 'first come, first serve'? And that applies to the ice-cream truck too. Coo. Speaking of ice-cream trucks, I love them popsicle things. Strawberry flavour. Long like a dong, my best friend Watson Nyambek likes to say. Gives an almost erotic feeling when you pop the whole thing in your mouth. Anyway, hmm? What? I'm going off topic and stepping into the realm of 18SX? Shit. What happened to freedom of speech and gossip? Oh yeah, so anyway if I see that vile creature imma whacking him with a shovel if he comes anywhere within 10 feet of my darling Najjy-butterkins.

SM: What are the challenges do you expect to see happening in your love life in this Year of the Ox?
S: I expect we'll be having a lot of sex.

Related story in Surat Melayu: 'Si Kuttan' speaks.

KUALA LUMPUR, Sunday - Surat Pisang staff, nicknamed by the media as 'Si Kuttan', who was recently reported as being the thirt party inteference in the widely speculated relationship of newly-emerged public interest couple, former sexual harrassment offender gorilla Sue and Surat Pisang assistant news editor Najmudildo was admitted into the hospital this morning after being assaulted by an identified man at the back of Lorong Hj Taib, Kuala Lumpur.
Recounting his terrific experience to reporters, Musjapa said that the man, dressed in black fur and clad only in a pink apron (with heart motifs) just popped out of nowhere and proceeded to whack him with a faux pink crocodile purse (shaped like a banana) before moving on to stripping the hair off his chest with a piece of fly tape measuring 15cm x 15cm.
"Mu-mu-muh-muh MY HAIRRRRRR!!!!" wailed a distressed Si Kuttan in his king-sized cot, his voice muffled by the fluffy pillows engulfing him, before hospital staff ushered this reporter away.
It is understood that Si Kuttan's apparent distress was caused by the very fact that his parents had disowned him following the removal of his (former) lustrous chest hair.
It is also understood that police have a clue as to whom the suspect may be. However, they were unable to comment during press time.

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apakah itu sotong?

Hai adik-adik sekalian, marilah kita belajar bagaimana caranya untuk berkurang-ajar dengan orang-orang tua kita dengan melafazkan kata-kata kesat yang telah diterjemah dari bahasa omputih kepada bahasa kebangaan kita iaitu Bahasa Melayu (dan bukan Bahasa Malaysia ya, marilah kita mengamalkan gaya hidup yang 'politically correct'!).

Apakah perlunya melaungkan kata-kata kesat dengan menggunakan Bahasa Melayu? Tentulah kerana wujudnya segelintir orang-orang yang agak ketinggalan zaman dan bertaraf bawahan yang tidak dapat memahami bahasa omputih (contohnya, pegawai-pegawai Jabatan Imigresen Malaysia) dan untuk memastikan bahawa isi hati kita dapat disampaikan dengan telus ikhlas, kita mesti menggunakan kata-kata kesat bertaraf antarabangsa yang telah diterjemah kepada Bahasa Melayu.

Sesungguhnya mereka yang tidak fasih ber-Bahasa Melayu adalah daripada golongan orang-orang yang keji dan mungkar.

1. Do I look like I give a shit?! - Adakah saya nampak seperti saya memberi tahi?!
2. Fuck you, bitch! - Berzina dengan anda, anjing betina!
3. I'm gonna kill you, you fat cow! - Saya akan membunuh awak, si lembu gemuk!
4. Fucking die, you mother fucker! - Mati berzina, kau penzina ibu!
5. I'm never gonna see your ugly face again! - Saya tidak akan melihat muka buruk anda lagi!

Dan kata-kata kesat yang paling hebat:

6. I am going to kick the fucking shit out of you, till you start blowing snot bubbles, you little piece of dog shit! - Aku akan menendang tahi berzina dari anda, sehingga engkau mula meniup buih hingus, kau seketul tahi anjing kecil!

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