Five minutes with... Sue the gorilla, part deux

THE cloud of a previous sexual harrassment charge still hanging over his head, former NASA astronaut program participant gorilla Sue has bounced back from a tumultous, controversial life into the heart of yet another sexual controversy - this time with the so-called de facto poster boy of Surat Pisang, assistant news editor Najmudildo.

Sexual harrassment charges do not apply this time though, as Najmudildo was recently quoted as saying that he "accepts all forms of harrassment, sexual or not" as he finds that "harrassment is the closest form of idol worship, stalker-style".

Unfortunately, things took an ugly turn when a third party inteference by fellow colleague 'Si Kuttan' further embroiled the duo's relationship, thus catapulting Sue and Najmudildo as the widely gossiped couple of the year (even more so than when it was with Mawi and Ekin).

Surat Melayu speaks once again to Sue on account of his fiery love affair with Najmudildo and the trials and tribulations that follow.

Surat Melayu: So, does your relationship with Surat Pisang's Najmudildo mean that you are totally over the astronaut, Dr Sick Musjapa, who caused you to get charged with sexual harrassment?
Sue: Oh, dah-link. I am so, so OVER Muzzy. That good-for-nothing, ass-shaking, peach-faced pansy-boy is so YESTERDAY. He's all like, "Oh, yoohoo! I'm like, the biggest ho in space!" and look what happened to him? He got on the rocket, rode the joystick and it got STUCK. In his ass. Fucking stupid loser or what? If you reading this Muzzy, let the whole world know that I said you a fucking stupid ho. Ho ho HO. Now suck on that loser!!

SM: Oh. Kay. Tell us about your relationship with Najmudildo.
S: Oh, Najjy's just sweet. I've never met anyone so wonderfully hunky-dorable ever. I just love twirling my fingers in his curly hair (and they get stuck so often we have resorted to keeping scissors on the bedside table) and oh, his chest! Such drool-worthy, smooth-baby-ass-smooth chest! I could lick the whole expanse of skin there for hours and... (Ed: The following had to be cut out to cater to our younger set of audiences. Surat Melayu apologises.)

SM: Erm.. Oh. Kay. Surat Melayu hears that not all is peachy though, what with the interference of the third party referred to as 'Si Kuttan' by the media.
S: Ah, that disgusting creature! How dare he try to steal my Najjy away from me! Doesn't he know that 'first come, first serve'? And that applies to the ice-cream truck too. Coo. Speaking of ice-cream trucks, I love them popsicle things. Strawberry flavour. Long like a dong, my best friend Watson Nyambek likes to say. Gives an almost erotic feeling when you pop the whole thing in your mouth. Anyway, hmm? What? I'm going off topic and stepping into the realm of 18SX? Shit. What happened to freedom of speech and gossip? Oh yeah, so anyway if I see that vile creature imma whacking him with a shovel if he comes anywhere within 10 feet of my darling Najjy-butterkins.

SM: What are the challenges do you expect to see happening in your love life in this Year of the Ox?
S: I expect we'll be having a lot of sex.

Related story in Surat Melayu: 'Si Kuttan' speaks.

KUALA LUMPUR, Sunday - Surat Pisang staff, nicknamed by the media as 'Si Kuttan', who was recently reported as being the thirt party inteference in the widely speculated relationship of newly-emerged public interest couple, former sexual harrassment offender gorilla Sue and Surat Pisang assistant news editor Najmudildo was admitted into the hospital this morning after being assaulted by an identified man at the back of Lorong Hj Taib, Kuala Lumpur.
Recounting his terrific experience to reporters, Musjapa said that the man, dressed in black fur and clad only in a pink apron (with heart motifs) just popped out of nowhere and proceeded to whack him with a faux pink crocodile purse (shaped like a banana) before moving on to stripping the hair off his chest with a piece of fly tape measuring 15cm x 15cm.
"Mu-mu-muh-muh MY HAIRRRRRR!!!!" wailed a distressed Si Kuttan in his king-sized cot, his voice muffled by the fluffy pillows engulfing him, before hospital staff ushered this reporter away.
It is understood that Si Kuttan's apparent distress was caused by the very fact that his parents had disowned him following the removal of his (former) lustrous chest hair.
It is also understood that police have a clue as to whom the suspect may be. However, they were unable to comment during press time.