this is totally fictional

IN sudden bursts of self-confidence, I may admit that I am, if you will excuse the narcissism, quite an attractive woman. On better-dressed days, I may even go as far as to say that I look 'hot'.

In these sweltering times though, I'm experiencing a different kind of 'hot' - the kind where I get all sweaty in a non-sexy way and am seen sporting wet Roscharch patterns on the inner sleeves of my top. I could even fancy myself being a model in one of those deodorant ads. Only thing is, you won't see me smiling and skipping in the ad - you'll just hear me screaming for a refund.

It's bad, this heat. And it's only going to get worse when El Nino comes in the upcoming days.

Malaysia typically experiences a hot and dry season in June, July and August with temperatures ranging between 33 °C to 34 °C. However, with the El Nino phenomenon, temperatures can rise by an additional 3 °C - that's really hot.

These days, getting to the office well nigh before the temperature hits its highest has become a priority, no, a matter of life and death, just for the air-conditioning because my mom's 'kedekut' about installing air-conditioners in her children's rooms. (There is an air-conditioning unit in my parents room though - we're not THAT backwards - but since a few years ago, it has become nothing more than a decoration on the wall. My mom says paying RM1 plus for an hour's worth of air-conditioning is much too expensive. She'd rather keep that RM1 to pay for her Korean drama channels on Astro.)

Even the last hope, the trusty old stand fan has failed me. So I've taken to pretending that I'm stranded on a nudist colony in the privacy of my room (only at night time though).

Seriously, if I could, I'd stuff myself in the fridge at home but then I'd give my dad a heart attack if he were to open the door to find me crouching inside, munching on a carrot stick so I'm being conservative about the fridge thing by visiting it only when I need a glass of cold water, of which I'm drinking loads now and resulting in never-ending trips to the loo.

My boyfriend thinks I have demented ideas but what would he know? Aside from being a guy, the lucky bugger also has an air-conditioner unit in his room.
Normally I'd beat him up for thinking me any less than the sweet girl I am but thinking about how the effort will make me even sweatier restrains me from getting violent with him.

So we thought about ways to get cool over a dinner of spicy-hot seafood tom yam soup and white rice, further frying our already fried brains.

The best we could come up with is to either: a) Perform a naked rain dance in the middle of Dataran Merdeka and hope for the best; b) Sit in a tub of ice and eat bowls and bowls of ice-cream; c) Migrate to Alaska and live among wolves.

We also contemplated the cons of the ideas available: a) Be labeled a pervert and get caught by the police for committing public indecency; b) Make sure a loo is nearby - diarrhea's sure to happen baby; c) Does Air Asia go to Alaska? Why can't we go to Disneyland instead?

What can you do about the soaring temperatures? Nothing, short of migrating to Alaska.

But just so you can make it a bit more bearable you should drink plenty of water to avoid being dehydrated, eat more watermelon, wear less clothes and love your office more.