dance, drink and diva-ish moments

It prolly is easier to sum it up with a picture, the words are not exactly coming out right each time I attempt to type up something.

Some things worth mentioning: I flirted with a guy (not excessively, of course), got sloshed and nearly passed out (threw up this morning), looked hot (on attempt), had mega fun and loved (nearly) every moment of it. The only bummer side to the party was the unauthorised invitation that was extended to a particular someone who pissed my friend off because he bullied his way into being the one to drive me back home and thus, maybe ruining my chances with the guy I flirted with - if there was any possibility of a chance to begin with.

And then I woke up, and enjoyed three wonderful hours of karaoke-ing at Redbox.

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ham, we shall have

I've gotten quite, quite bored of having bread with margarine (fake butter) and cheese every morning so after work, I made a short detour to the supermarket and got two stacks of ham - smoked chicken and chicken bologna. And not forgetting, my favourite 'goreng' instant noodles and a package of McVities Digestives - because I'm back to constipated mode again, despite guzzling plenty of water and hot green tea every day.

How did your new year's celebration go?

Mine was... quite ho-hum.

Over the weekend, I went to the fish spa for the very first time and had the skin of my feet nibbled on by vile-looking fish. Gosh! Their eyeballs were so close to me! That was by far, the most unnerving experience ever. When the fish (some as big as my palm) clustered about me, it looked as though there were fish tumours sprouting from my ankles. Yuck.

And then I went for karaoke, which is always a fun thing to do.

That's the gist of it, I guess.

Oh, a friend got engaged like what, a day after her elder sister's wedding? I thought the idea of my friends getting engaged would send me into a mad frenzy but guess what? I felt... rather calm. I'm happy for my friend and I think it's really great for her but perhaps, because I've mentally pushed the deadline for my engagement to Mr He-Who-Will-Be-Hubby to thirty, things like this don't faze me anymore.

There's plenty of people I know who've already given birth even and I think that's pretty gross. Babies scare me. They drool too much.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying things as they come. I'm still open to possibilities of getting into a relationship but there's none suitable for me now, so I'm just being Miss Scandalous.

It's fun. It's naughty. It's being bitchy and satisfied all at once, emotions cast aside. This time, there's nobody getting hurt - at least, it wouldn't be me.

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selamat tinggal 2008

The most cliche thing to be writing right now would be on the past experiences, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the rainbows and the (arm)pitfalls that made up the last three-hundred-plus days of my life in 2008.

Bo-ring.

Please gag me with a spoon.

So going against the norm, let me proceed to tell you that I friggin' forgot when was the last time I took a dump. No, seriously. I FORGOT.

That must account for why the gastric pains had to sneak up on me and go 'boo' right in my face two days ago. And I got insulted by the doc for that.

"You forgot to take your meals, huh? Smaarrrtttt..." she went, without even looking me in the eye.

I coulda punched her in the face for that wisecrack.

I don't miss meals. Not anymore anyway. I'm trying to gain weight - add more mass to my boobs, which had gotten smaller over the course of the previous months. Stress? Not enough McD's maybe. So I'm busy firming them up with this RM6 bottle of boob-firming gel I found at the pharmacy some weeks ago.

I mean, I figure, what the heck. It's RM6. If it doesn't work, it's only RM6. Rather than I pay a couple of hundred or a couple of thousand Ringgit for some fancy massage shit at Marie Claire and find that it didn't work, RM6 is as good as RM6 goes.

And I've been doing some weird shit man. Really weird shit like I'm starting to become a bit fucked up in the head, way fucked up than I was anyway. Like Jiminy Cricket's gone on vacation, I'm being a total badass.

Goodbye conscience, it's hello ruthless babe. Bitch. Whatever.

I kinda like it.

Plus I've been massively chewing on these gummy things. It's like crack I tell you. Good stuff.

Oh yeah, I need a dress. Something cute. Provocative. Something that screams - OK, I'm not putting that up here. It's 'censored' 'censored' 'censored'.

Finally, the evil laugh.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!!!

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another shade of dark

The transition to the dark side is complete. I have done the morally despicable and there is no turning back. I am darker than dark.

Let me revel in this new power of corruption.

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here we go again

Ah, the games people play. Otherwise known as the 'let's see who can manipulate whom better' game.

It's a game I wouldn't bother playing because it's a dangerous game where you are treading on the fine line between manipulating and getting manipulated - and a higher chance of getting manipulated there - if you don't know how to play your cards right. I dare say it does give me the thrills though, the risque nature of the game but to constantly be on your toes, watching out for the red herrings AS you throw out YOUR red herrings to the other party and crouching low, waiting for the bait to be taken as you prepare to move in for the kill.. man, it's just tiring. Too much work.

So I don't understand why there are people out there who like to play the deception game - with several different people.

Wait a minute. Suddenly I've this sense of deja vu. Have I posted something about this before?

It's a game of risky dice, which one gets addicted to fast. Never mind that I've lost at this game once before. Like the foolhardy gambler who's just caught on to the tricks of the trade, one learns from experience when's a good time to throw in the chips, raise up the stakes, and cash in on the money. And if I lose some.. well, there's always some spare cash hiding in these pockets..

And we roll the dice.

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things you need to know

Insecure men are such turn-offs.

I had a recent 'experience' with yet another one of those kinds of men and while I was a lot kinder this time around when I was telling him that he didn't make the cut, he didn't take it too well. He didn't get mad or anything. He just started gibbering like some prissy diva about how he'll never find someone like me anywhere else in the world and golly gee, how unlucky it is that he will have to settle for a mediocre girl now I refuse to stay in the same picture as he.

And man, oh man... was it such a chore trying to drill the positive messages into his thick skull. The guy was just bursting with negative vibes.

I had to reassure him that it wasn't that he was ugly (he is definitely not ugly, but not my type) but that there just wasn't any chemistry. Among other things.

I felt kinda sorry for the guy. He struck me as someone I used to be many years ago when I was a whole lot more insecure about myself than I am right now, only a bit more worse.

It sucks that he is still that way even after all these years but as I learned the hard way, confidence can only come from yourself. While the struggle to break free against the confinements that have molded you into becoming an 'insignificant' person is a labourious process with full of defeats along the way, you can never get over your insecurities unless you learn to climb the hurdles life puts in front of you.

Like for me, I beat the surrounding people's (and my own) perception of who I am by joining a reality show. Maybe it's the most absurd thing to do for a lot of people but hey, I showed people that there are things that I can do. I surprised them all, didn't I? And it feels good although I didn't win to be able to tell people that I was on TV.

I will keep on challenging myself. I will keep on falling along the way but no matter. I will just have to pick myself up, dust the sand off my knees and continue my way.

I will evolve into a more confident person. You'll see.

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and it turns around

It's funny. Well, actually, it's not. It's not funny that people I am not interested in are expecting me to be interested in them when they keep on pestering me with inane questions like, "When are you going to see me again? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

My favourite doujinshi by Aijou Bank has this title: You Can't Hurry Love. Give me some time to contemplate, realise the wonderful things about you, be romantically swept off my feet and maybe, just maybe, you have a chance.

But the blokes usually just blow it by being excessively enthusiastic about everything that's me, me and me. I'm sorry. I don't enjoy talking about myself every damn minute of the day. I don't enjoy having to give an opinion about every damn thing that needs a commenting on. If I loved myself that much, I'd just give myself a damn good wank and feel the love stir deep within my heart - then go to bed.

If everything's ever going to be about me, when do we get to focus on you? In the end, I learn that you're desperate to please and man, nothing can be worse than a desperate woman. Oh wait, a desperate man.

Ah, but wait. There's another reason why it won't work with me. This little charade to get me to fall for you.

And the answer is, there is someone special to me. I can't get him out of my head, I can't get him out of my heart. Fucking parasite.

Seriously.

Oleh itu, don't try to push for things so hard. Gently, wrangle me away from the goddamn parasite. Give me a reason to believe you can be special to me without being such a parasite. Yeah, then I'll run into your arms babeh.

And we'll sing Eidelweiss on the mountaintop. Just like in the Sound of Music.

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