this beautiful ugly world

Am I hot? Am I hottttttttttttttttttt???????????????

Anyway, I got super pissed. Well, not exactly, but I gave this guy the scolding of the day when he suddenly called me up at half past midnight to say that he's driving towards where I live, wherever that is.

I was like, whaaaattttttttt????????? I berated him for pulling such a crazy stunt on me and really, if I was going to be such a bitch about it I would have just told him that he'd have to turn back home because my address is not for him to know. But me, I'm a kind girl. So I went to have a drink with him nearby and scolded him some more.

Finally, I just firmly said that since now he knows where I live, if ever he decides to make a last minute announcement like the one he made or drop by unannounced, I will beat the shit out of him - and then report him to the police for harassment.

Then today, he had the cheek to text me after work hours to ask me out - we can do whatever he want, he added. I replied: NOT TODAY.

Man, some people are so persistent.

Now, I understand why a lot of the guys I've been with hate surprises.

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my broad shoulders

Someone once told me that my shoulders are broader than anyone's so I should stand up tall, stand up straight, stand up proud. I don't know when she said that my shoulders are broad, if she meant it literally because indeed, my shoulders are broader than on an average girl with my body build but these words, I take to heart every day.

These words ring clear in my head every time I feel down. As I get ready to face the hostile world, I pause, square my shoulders and take that first brave stride with a deep breath. It becomes easier to walk forward then. It becomes easier to look ahead then.

I wait to become the girl, whom you will see and notice her and say, "That girl, she walks with confidence."

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things i learned

What I learned from my self-help books on relationships is this: Always take things slow, proceed with caution, stay firm to your own terms and never ever have sex with the guy until you've gone out with him for at least six months until wherein you can determine whether you are a 'good for now' girl or the girl 'for keeps'.

This is an advice I should have read about before jumping into the previous relationship. Seriously.

Anyway, there's this guy who's quite interested in me. We met online via match.com and we went out for the second time today. He's quite all right, different from the last four guys definitely in that he's more generous with his money (he wanted to buy me shoes today and I got dragged into this shoe store to try on some pairs but I lied that the shoes weren't comfy - I am so gonna buy this one nice pair soon, without him of course), more gentlemanly (he carries all my things, never mind if it's just a small plastic bag containing seven big curry puffs from Old Chang Kee) and for now, not someone I will term arrogant or has a big ego. He's all right I guess. A bit nerdy looking, but not too bad.

But he's not exactly what I'd say someone who'll have me lusting over him.

So well, he wants to see me like, every day. I'm the only girl he is seeing (he likes to concentrate on one girl at a time and here I am, sort of trying to serial date like the books said I should) and the worst part is, he told his mom about it and the mom's fine with it. Today's only the second time we've met!

It's kinda funny, me trying to rationalise with him and telling him to take it easy, that he still hasn't seen the rotten side of me and that it takes more than just two dinner dates to really get to know a person.

I am not discouraging him. It's just that the last two relationships, especially the last one, really did teach me the value of sticking around long enough until you know the person for who he really is, rotten side and all because once you've fallen (or once I'd fallen) you are most likely to hang around despite finding out the guy's really quite crappy after all because you're in too deep and will endure the pain until comes a point where you can take it no more.

And there's the other guy... whom I kissed the other night.

Ah, I miss him so much tonight! I miss his strong arms and warm embrace, the heady scent of his perfume. The eyes that burn so intensely, yet twinkle with humour.

I am so fucked.

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why do we keep on fighting?

Yesterday, the one who uttered the harsh words that he will no longer have anything to do with me called. I must be getting used to this because I wasn't all that surprised when I saw his name flashing on my phone display. I suppose he must have been curious, or that his ego caught him by the elbow and told him, look, this is where you butt in and tell the girl that no friend she has is as big, as kind, as generous, etc. as you.

Which was sort of what the gist of the conversation was about anyway.

Ours is a volatile sort of relationship. Hot and cold. A wave of serenity followed by the eruption of a volcano. I wonder if these are the things which draw us to each other. The drama, the excitement, the sheer un-predictability of all the elements which make us and break us.

Little things can easily break the peace, and the repercussions can be great. Just like throwing a small pebble into the lake, creating ripples far and wide. Yet, eventually the ripples will peter out and once more, calm is restored as the pebble gently sinks to the bottom of the lake, filling it up with the memory of the little object which had caused the disturbance to take place.

Despite all that, when we move away, we find ourselves coming together. We find an attraction between us that sometimes, is hard to ignore.

Really, what sort of a relationship is this? We hurt and we get hurt. The cycle continues, we return for more.

He came to see me last night - a peace-making outing that half-way snaked itself into yet another full-blown argument before the steam let off and we were back to being friends again. We talked of work, the things we wanted to do in the future, traded advice on the ill situations in our life. We ate at McDonald's.

He looked at me, admired me openly. Tucked my hair gently behind my ear. He held my hand and I held his. He asked for a kiss and I touched my lips to his before we arrived back at my gate.

I really don't know how I feel for him. Love sometimes, lust sometimes, admiration sometimes, anger and jealousy and frustration combined too.

Maybe I want to keep him by my side. Because I see parts of 'myself' mirrored in in him - the past, the present and the future. We're too similar, yet we are different and this is why we will keep on fighting.

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achievement of the day

Yesterday, I lost my temper. I made mistakes. Someone got really pissed with me. I think the friendship's broken for good. I went home depressed and went straight to bed, because depression makes me tired, and took a nap hoping that it's the kind of nap that spells forever.

But eventually I got up because some friends pestered me to do something and not mope around. So I joined some colleagues, former and present, to celebrate a colleague's last day at work at a club.

It was exhilarating, not because of drink, not because of the music, but because I was in very good company. We laughed, we bitched, we traded stories and my last few hours of the day was instantly a whole lot more perkier thanks to their encouragement.

I may not be all that fab now, but there will come a time. I know it.

And I danced, for the first time in public. It wasn't so scary after all, because I was with people whom I felt totally at ease with. That's another check on my list of things to do in public to bolster my self confidence.

I think I can move on easier now.

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oh so pretty

Today, I blew a wad of money on clothes - which are absolutely necessary of course. Raya's coming, and I am now prepared, because I got myself two baju kurungs. One is white with magenta roses and the other gold with a songket bottom and embroidery detailings at the sleeves and neckline. They are such beautiful things, and they fit so wonderfully that I knew I had to have them. Money, well, money is no issue as long as it saves the hassle (and as long as I am not broke yet) and now I shall be hassle-free because I don't need to go baju Raya hunting anymore!

Anyway, I was an hour early to an assignment today and since I'd been at that shopping mall three times during the whole of last week, I wasn't so keen on going about and window shopping in the same boutiques for the fourth time (even Borders has gotten stale) so I did something I never would have done before: I got myself a room in Redbox and had a karaoke session all to myself.

Such a liberating experience! To be able to hog the mic and sing all the songs I want. Great stuff. I must do that again!

Other things to add: I am trying to get a new-found friend to sell me his unused mini trampoline so I can do my own Celebrity Fitness-style PowerJump sessions in my room and we shall start, with my butt! Firm and tone! Bikinis, here I come!

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conversations in my closet

That, is going to be the name of my column. Why Conversations in my Closet? When playing hide-and-seek when I was younger, one of the typical places to hide in was the closet and sometimes, it gets boring (when you happen to be playing with younger siblings who took a long time to find you) so I'd conjure up conversations with imaginary characters in my mind. Nowadays, I can't climb into the closet anymore. But I still have conversations with imaginary characters in my mind when it gets boring.

I'm not loony. It's just a lot more fun than say, watching some mindless Korean drama.

Anyway, I love masks. I love the ones that you slather on and peel off instead of the wash-off ones which are so much of a hassle. I'm not too crazy of the masks, the thin cloth things which are usually oversized and needs adjusting to accommodate all the areas of your facial skin. But those things, they usually come in lots of 'flavours' and the scent really appeals to me so I'd go buy myself a few packs which are infused with berries and stuff. I love the ones from The Face Shop. They have a large variety of masks there, not too ordinary things too.

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