an open letter to someone...

Dear someone,

I cannot help but be elated for you had taken that first step - the step that I had been waiting for for many weeks. It feels like such a long time and many a time I have voiced out my intention to just call it quits and throw in the towel (patience does not rank high on my list of virtues) but really, looking at the calender it has only been about two months, a quite short span of time when I think about it.

Oh, but so many things have happened in two months.

I celebrated my birthday, I made new friends, lost a good friend, read a lot of new books, gone visiting in Penang, ate plenty of sushi and managed to get my feet on firm ground so that now I stand up a bit straighter than I used to. Life is getting better for me and I hope that it will include you because in the last two months, I got to know you better and for you, way too much of myself.

I must congratulate you for being bold, a bit too forward if I may add and although I had expected something of the sort to happen, nevertheless, it still took me by surprise when it happened.
However, I cannot but help but be held in by my insecurities. Has Friday night changed anything between us? Why would you want a mere girl like me (the 'Stepsisters' Lament' plays in my head)? Where are we at right now and where are you taking me to? Should I even be asking these questions?

Someone, I want to let you know that I value the friendship you have given me even when you drive me wild with your brand of corny jokes, I still can't figure out if you're playing with me or being serious half the time, and you're sometimes, too polite for my liking.

I've learnt plenty from previous failed relationships and I do not want another repeat performance. I would rather be just your friend forever and ever (if this is what you want) than let anything else come between us.

Why am I letting you know on my blog? Answer: Because I know I will be tongue-tied telling this to your face.

To tell you the truth... Although I tell you the most vulgar of jokes and use the most foul of languages, I feel shy around you when you look at me quietly making me feel that I am being scrutinised and when the corners of your eyes crinkle making me think that you're laughing at me inside.

I don't know how I feel about you. I feel that I am holding back sometimes because I am afraid of the uncertain and I am afraid of getting hurt. So I hope you will be patient with me and let me discover my own feelings and at the same time, discover if you have feelings for myself and please, please be patient with the mock Russian accent that I use to talk to you when I am in need of amusement.

Your friend,
M.

PS: This letter never did manage to get anything across, did it? I'm just talking in circles...